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Saturday, September 30, 2006
gawd i feel so exposed, i don't know if you're reading or what but all the same. i'll try to blog like... as per normal.
anyway, i don't love just cause i like to feel in love or wanted. gosh, maybe i am, maybe i was. but now, i don't really. i go on and on about guys last time cause i don't know? when you're surrounded by people who just messages you and expects this and that. you'd want to rant.
but honestly. innermost feelings won't develop unless time comes in. so far, it's just you and gareth. and i think you like me for the same reason why i liked gareth. simplicity.
double sigh, it'll be weird. and it's always the internet that does these things. nevermind get it over and done with. sigh. but i do not like, or get into a relationship with someone just cause i want to feel wanted, or love to feel loved, or peer pressure.
it's go with the flow and feelings and. i don't know. ok maybe i'm tired. sigh.. it's all out now i think.
=] good in a way. ok off to coasts. :|
Friday, September 22, 2006
hahaha, sweet saccharine feeling settling in my heart. =D i got SO SO jealous today cause he told me that he was with lyn, but in actual he wasn't. and yeah, omgah! whats wrong with me, i miss him so much. so so much. =D
i told him that you know, the more i'm with you, the more i like you and the deeper i'm falling. and i meant it when i said it. i miss him like SO MUCH NOW LAH. hai. haha. and i'm glad cause i can tell him that i miss him and mean it. =D wheeesss.
anyways one week, time sure does past by fast. last week this time, i was attempting to leave the house and meet him, i could've done that this week, but i chose not to? wth. cause of dad and all. double sigh.
but gawd i'm falling down, falling so hard. and i love that feeling. like a rollar coaster! =DDDDD HAHA. wth.
AND I PASSED MATH! OMGAH! MIRACLES DO HAPPEN. HOPE I CAN MAINTAIN IT.
and i'm like obsessed with caps now. wth! ahhahaha. =DDD
GAWD! haahah.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
i think i'm making a mountain out of a molehill, my dad's thing, my bro and sis being such asses behaving like 10 year olds. damnit. well not as if i'm any better. but really, all my life ive wanted someone to look up to and everything. nevermind. i've to be more independent.
with him, i feel more dependent on him. just feel like throwing all my happiness, sadness, pain lame crap all to him. and i wish he can stop seeing me as his mum or some sort, i don't want to be his family member, i want to be his friend, his girlfriend. i don't know. am i that... family-ish?
and yeah, being dependent on him, i don't know if it's a good thing cause it'll mean that i'll hurt like crap if anything happens. sigh. anyway i'm suppose to sneak out this friday, but my friend's all say otherwise cause of everything that is happening at home. well it is true, i'll not worry my parents anymore, and i promised my friends that last friday was the last time so... yeah. i do miss the ledge tho. =(
and sometimes i wish you'll not say such sweet saccharine stuffs to me. cause 1, i'm not used to it, and two, my expectations will be higher. and yeah, i rather see them through your actions. be genuine. thats all that i ask. i don't like sweet talk. i really don't. i can see them through and i hate that. i rather you do some thing and mean it. say something and mean it. don't tell me that i'm what you've been looking for, show it through your actions, maybe it's true but yeah. and don't action infront of me. cause i like things simple. be yourself really. GAWD.
damnit. whats wrong with me.
i should appreciate. appreciate. damnit.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
hmm. it's all cool now.
funny, when you have everything you don't appreciate them, only when you lose something do you actually see it's worth. i think i take lance for granted. sometimes i speak for the sake of it, i don't use my heart and say things anymore. but then again, i won't know.
since i've been with him, i think i've learnt many things? like not to be my woody self, some verbal form of endearment is good sometimes. all the same when he's here, we talk it's weird sometimes.
sometimes i wish that my life was so interesting, if i had more secrets that way i can share my life with him, my other stories seems to be so childish. but why am i worrying. i don't think he judge me cause of that. and yeah, can't believe i cried like utter crap and felt hurt the other day. maybe it's only then do i realise how much he actually means to me.
i think i've got to study too, balance both and everything else. o's are drawing so so close. anyway im so tired, two weeks of non-stop (supposed) studying is taking it's toll on me.
anyways i'm using LJ now so. yeah. livejournal the new blogger. =D
i'm tired, i'm off to bed. i miss you. =D
Saturday, September 16, 2006
i don't know when was the last time i updated here. anyway, i think lance and i just broke up? and it hurts so bad.
i didnt know that i'll cry so much, and i didn't know that i will hurt.
why whats wrong with me. he is a good boyfriend, he is everything. nevermind, i hope i can pick myself up. i really don't want it to end.
i miss you Lance, i don't think you or anyone will see this, but i do miss you. if only i can turn back time, i think i'll undo many things.
Friday, September 08, 2006
im so tired?
sighhhh, i'm not in a relationship yet but i feel so drained and tired out already. why? i don't know. no wonder people said that we should not be in a relationship before your exams or something. its like another responsibility.
gah, i miss you so much, yet i don't know how to express myself. am i hurting you? you're giving me more then i deserve.
i've got what i always wanted, some one to love me. but now.. i don't know.
i keep comparing you with gareth, although gar gave me so little, and you give me so much. still... i don't know.
i like your hands, i miss the ledge.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
do i look so small? goodness. haha. anyway i've bombed my messages, my prelims are on next week, so that means that i can't go out. so i guess both you and i will take a break? indirectly. i don't know, it may be a test/trial, hopefully we'd pull through.
anyway i'm so dang tired cause of you, and hopefully i can study tomorrow.
nonetheless, i miss you, i would love to see you, i want to sneak out again and spend time with you? =D but now isn't the right time. why is this all happening when my exams are so close. goodness, how untimely. but still. i'll prove to myself and to everyone else that i will not be distracted cause of a guy (although it speaks otherwise) and that i will excel, do better then usual. i'll be better.
i can be. gosh, i better be. =)
hearts&stars.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
tonight was great, i got to know more about you and stuffs. simplicity. some how when you mentioned xian, i got jealous. why? i mean, fx is pretty and all and i'm not so.. it's like odd.
but, yeah, i don't know if it's all too good to be true. but i loved tonight. the ledge, the wind, the moon, you cold, us walking the whole stretch. you tugging along your bike, i don't know but i feel so warm and happy.
it's good while it lasted. i miss you so. but, somehow when we're together, it's like friends, but we want more then friends. i wanted to hold your hand, but.. it's to weird so i pushed it away. ahhh.
lovelove. i like the way you make me feel special, like simple me is nice and different. i can't be like other girls, but i'll just try...
meanwhile, i just want to thank you again, for this great night. i'm glad i sneaked out. =DStanding tall in this wide space
.
Getting lost in Your embrace
I see a fire burning brighter
It's calling me to catch the flame
I feel like I'm falling over and over in love with You
It's not just a feeling, but I know that He is real
I feel like I'm falling into the arms of a mighty God
It's not just a feeling, but I know that He is real
You're drawing me closer to Your side
It's the safest place I know where to hide
With one glance You captured my heart
You speak Your words and set me apart
I feel like I'm falling, I feel like I'm falling
I feel like I'm falling, falling into the arms of love
Lord guide me.
it's not a one-sided thing you say, but somehow i feel it is. i'm meeting you later, at the risk of getting grounded, phone consfication, beaten up, trust broken. but why am intending to risk all that? just to see you.
i see you as a friend, why? cause you seem like the type that i will never get to have. never. but you're nice, way too nice. so nice that i am falling for you, gradually. you tell me the feeling's mutual, but your actions speak otherwise, you expect so much of me, and i expect so much of you. to a point that we both feel that the other party isn't giving enough.
i tried to tell you how i feel, but you just wave what i said away, saying that it's.. i don't know what you said. and that, hurts. it does, i tried. i'm not like you, saying i love you freely. i can't do that. i'll only say that when i'm sure of it. but i'm not, as usual i'm filled with insecurities. you tell me that i'm the only girl, it's not a one-way thing. you say, you don't do. see the stark contrast?
i'll leave now, i'll meet you now. but oh my goodness, everything IS happening too fast. you say we ought to have some time. but.. looks like it's not working.
miss.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
now, what's up with me, the more i think about the the more infuriated i get. WHY must I make the first move? WHY can't i get enough of you? WHY do you promise me, saying things like you won't take me for granted.
i know, it's not a one-sided thing, and i know that you'd like me to be more proactive. but then, understand, i can't be TOO proactive. i can't msg you everytime, and if i don't i feel a deep sense of guilt.
your words are ambiguous, i don't get you sometimes, neither do i get myself. things are moving too fast, and even if we progress to something better next time, i can ensure you that i'll STILL feel insecurities. why? because, you're too good to be true, because i don't think i'm good enough for you. because you and me, are of different worlds. why, put my hopes up so high when both you and i know that it'll be dashed in no time. december, sigh, who cares about december when now, we can't even communicate face to face that well. ok that's wrong. we communicate well, but i don't see you. and it'll be selfish of me to MAKE you come down always.
moreover, you're darn popular with girls, i told you that. and you told me that i was different. like what different. stupid? dumb? needy? clingy? EASY? i don't know. maybe i'm too negative, maybe i demand too much. but all this insecurities, only you can do something about them, but i guess you won't cause i can't seem to burden you further.
anyway, we'll see how things goes. maybe nothing will come out of it. maybe i AM the only girl that (quote) are serious about (unquote) but. call it intuition, call it possessivness, but i am pretty darn sure that you have HORDES of girls after you. and you make me promise to be clingy only to you. like how wrong does that sound although i get the meaning.
but like i said, i'm a girl, don't expect too much out of me.
sigh, volatility, maybe we should start over on a clean slate. but it's difficult seeing how i get so demanding and spoilt. i'll change for you, i'll meet you even if i can't, i'll find ways, i'll go to the ends of the world for you. but will you for me? i highly doubt so.
moreover, maybe it's pride that's stopping me, maybe it's that discipline that my wonderful mum instilled in me. i don't know, but... i still think that things... may just not work out like how you planned.
you don't know me well enough to understand that i feel bloody insecure. and i don't know you well enough to know if you're playing me or anything. still, albeit sounding sincere, i'll naturally have my doubts.
so yeah, i hope God's not making a fool out of me. and anyway whichever way this thing goes, i know that i'll learn a lesson. and i hope i won't lose too much to learn that lesson.
and boy, i want to see you now and all. but pride's pulling me back. if only you understand. it's not a one-way thing. it's going both ways.
pined away, and i died.
lance =D said that he's serious about me. how true that is? i won't know. but happy that i am =D
i'm trusting him, but, i don't know if i'll get hurt. no, i will get hurt, but it's all part and parcel. nvm, we both decided to wait till dec is here and then we'll decide. =D
still i'm happy. =D
is this what love is suppose to feel like? because it's nothing like what i've imagined. glad to know that it's all not one-sided. but, i don't know still if i'm the only one. he says to trust him, gradually i am. but i'll still have my doubts.
let time do the talking, and i better study. i don't know how different i am from others. haha. ok nvm. till next time, world.
<33333
build me up buttercup, don't break my heart.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
gah. am i too nice, to guai? doesn't mean that i don't go out means that i'm guai or something. but sigh, i'm sorry man, i can't compromise, i can't accomodate, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, hope you'd understand. but you don't seem to, and i can see the patience in you slipping away ever so quickly.
you're wild, im not, you're popular, im not. you smoke, club yet at the same time go to church, be so caring. i speak my mind, obnoxious, i don't smoke and i don't club. i listen to my parents, so i can't accomodate.
we're of different worlds. i'm sorry. =(
it was good while it lasted, and although we both don't say it now, but i know it won't last, i can't expect you to cycle down to my house everytime, and you can't expect me to lie all the time just so i can go out with you. soo, i don't know.
moreover, grace said to be cautious, i guess i'm right, about being insecure. =[
Friday, September 01, 2006
sigh, it's like why am i wasting my time brooding on these things. why? and another thing i realised.
so far, the only guy who keeps his promises is like gareth? and like.. it's been 8-9 long months and i miss him bad. ='(
although i walked with lance through the same place me and gareth went to. but it doesn't feel the same, the feeling wasn't there... i mean not that im expecting much, but with gareth there was this tinge of warmth in my heart.
like they said, the early bird catchs the worm, me? i feel so ... sian.
gar, likes josephine, haha, i don't know, every week i see him and he does that cutesy face. and it's like... i don't know.
i miss him bad. and me omg, whats wrong with me. =(
and omg, i don't get you, one minute you're all funny but now you're like... so quiet and sensitive, i've to watch what i say so that i won't poke you the wrong way.
=D=D=D
GAH
i don't know what to do. i really don't im lost. im so lost. damnit.
i wanna see you again. ='(
sundaysundaysundaysunday. damn whats wrong with me. i'll go study
you know, and i know that i don't mean anything to you. so why lead me on?
and me? i rather the com isn't here, that way i won't blog. and blog like some emo freak.
GOSH BACK OFF.
wtf? i made him come down here, and i gave him sweets. wth is wrong with me. but it was good to see him again. =D
damn. i should and WILL BACK OFF. grr. im too clingy. damn. damn damn. damn damn damn damn.
BACK OFF BACK OFF.
BACK OFF PAM. gr. i'll back off. i'll back off i won't do anything anymore.
night world.
ughughugh.
i don't know if you're playing me or what. but i feel damn mean cause i can't be with you now when you're down or soemthing. sigh.
but it's like... i don't know. i'm willing to sneak out of the house for you at 12am even, but it's ... i don't know.
i tried to tell you how i felt but.. to no avail and you on the other hand send those kind of messages. and anyway i don't know how you're feeling now and all but. damn. whats wrong with us or rather me.
=(
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