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Sunday, September 03, 2006
now, what's up with me, the more i think about the the more infuriated i get. WHY must I make the first move? WHY can't i get enough of you? WHY do you promise me, saying things like you won't take me for granted.
i know, it's not a one-sided thing, and i know that you'd like me to be more proactive. but then, understand, i can't be TOO proactive. i can't msg you everytime, and if i don't i feel a deep sense of guilt.
your words are ambiguous, i don't get you sometimes, neither do i get myself. things are moving too fast, and even if we progress to something better next time, i can ensure you that i'll STILL feel insecurities. why? because, you're too good to be true, because i don't think i'm good enough for you. because you and me, are of different worlds. why, put my hopes up so high when both you and i know that it'll be dashed in no time. december, sigh, who cares about december when now, we can't even communicate face to face that well. ok that's wrong. we communicate well, but i don't see you. and it'll be selfish of me to MAKE you come down always.
moreover, you're darn popular with girls, i told you that. and you told me that i was different. like what different. stupid? dumb? needy? clingy? EASY? i don't know. maybe i'm too negative, maybe i demand too much. but all this insecurities, only you can do something about them, but i guess you won't cause i can't seem to burden you further.
anyway, we'll see how things goes. maybe nothing will come out of it. maybe i AM the only girl that (quote) are serious about (unquote) but. call it intuition, call it possessivness, but i am pretty darn sure that you have HORDES of girls after you. and you make me promise to be clingy only to you. like how wrong does that sound although i get the meaning.
but like i said, i'm a girl, don't expect too much out of me.
sigh, volatility, maybe we should start over on a clean slate. but it's difficult seeing how i get so demanding and spoilt. i'll change for you, i'll meet you even if i can't, i'll find ways, i'll go to the ends of the world for you. but will you for me? i highly doubt so.
moreover, maybe it's pride that's stopping me, maybe it's that discipline that my wonderful mum instilled in me. i don't know, but... i still think that things... may just not work out like how you planned.
you don't know me well enough to understand that i feel bloody insecure. and i don't know you well enough to know if you're playing me or anything. still, albeit sounding sincere, i'll naturally have my doubts.
so yeah, i hope God's not making a fool out of me. and anyway whichever way this thing goes, i know that i'll learn a lesson. and i hope i won't lose too much to learn that lesson.
and boy, i want to see you now and all. but pride's pulling me back. if only you understand. it's not a one-way thing. it's going both ways.
pined away, and i died.
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